Your intent and how you approach differences are critical. The objective should be to resolve a dispute to the satisfaction of both of you. It’s not about winning and losing. You can win an argument, but the relationship may suffer if your partner feels discounted, deflated, or resentful.

Planning when, where, and how you approach a disagreement is important for achieving satisfactory results. It’s helpful to make up rules of engagement in advance. Here are suggested Dos and Don’ts. You won’t be able to achieve all of them or any all the time, but they’re guidelines to strive for:

DO:

ü  Make it okay to “agree to disagree.” You don’t have to agree on everything. Try to accept irresolvable differences that don’t violate your values.

ü  Have time-limited discussions and stick to the present time. A half-hour is plenty. You can always reconvene.

ü  Work through things as they come up. Don’t stockpile resentments; otherwise, each postponement becomes a block to the next communication.

ü  Remember to maintain goodwill by separating the person you care about from the behavior. Assume he or she is doing their best and isn’t hurting you intentionally.

ü  Take responsibility for your behavior, needs, and feelings. Use “I” statements to share your feelings and thoughts about yourself. This doesn’t include “I feel you’re inconsiderate.” Instead, say “I feel unimportant to you.”

ü  Examine what unmet needs are making you angry. With “I” statements, be direct and honest about your needs in the relationship. Communicate the positive consequences of compliance.

ü  Listen with curiosity and a desire to understand your partner, and to see the world through his or her eyes. When you don’t understand, ask for clarification. Remember that your partner is telling you his or her experience. It reveals the truth about them, not you. You’re free to disagree, but first see where the person is coming from.

ü  Use a “we” approach. “We have a problem,” not “My problem with you is . . .”

ü  Rather than demand your way, brainstorm solutions. Request your partner’s input, especially when it comes to changing his or her behavior.

ü  Take a time-out if you start to get angry. This allows you to calm down and stop reacting. Reassure your partner that you’ll resume.

ü  Use breaks to take responsibility for your part, to think about solutions, and self-soothe any hurt feelings.

ü  Communicate your fears and guilt in the relationship.

DON’T:

-        Don’t have controversial discussions when you’re tired or in the bedroom, which should be a safe place.

-        Don’t make accusations or use the words, “always” or “never.”

-        Don’t bring in allies – other people’s opinions – or make comparisons to others.

-        Don’t switch topics, or retaliate with, “but you did . . .”

-        Don’t judge, blame, belittle, or be sarcastic or dismissive in words or facial expressions, such as rolling your eyes or smirking.

-        Don’t expect your partner to read your mind.

-        Don’t analyze your partner or impute motives or feelings to him or her.

-        Don’t interrupt or monopolize the conversation.

-        Don’t react or defend yourself. Instead, communicate your point of view.

-        Don’t bring up the past – anything more than a few days old.

-        Don’t remind grievances. Stick to the current one. You don’t need more “evidence” that you’re right and your partner is wrong.

-        Don’t compromise your bottom lines in the relationship, if they’re non-negotiable. It will lead to more conflict later.

At Wellbeing Center, you learn how to channel your engagement into constructive steps that can fix what is broken, resolve underlying conflicts and ultimately save your relationship.