People are often unaware of how their anger impacts those around them. Your boyfriend may take what you have to say personally or see it as criticism. But most likely, he needs to hear it.

Here are 4 tips to help you cope with a boyfriend with anger issues:

1. Use “I” Statements

Statements like “You always yell!” or “if you would just control your anger…” immediately put the other person on the defensive.

“I” statements help you express yourself in a way that’s more likely to de-escalate the situation, rather than escalate it. The key phrase being “more likely” – there are no guarantees!

Examples of “I” Statements

• “I feel scared when you throw things.”
• “I feel anxious when you yell because it feels like I have done something wrong.”
• “I feel triggered when you use that language because my dad used to when I was a kid, and it scared me.”

2. Be Direct

When people are angry, they cannot hear passive or subtle requests. They often need directives in order to interrupt the fight-or-flight response.

So when your boyfriend is out of line, be clear and concise about what you want him to do differently.

While making a direct request, look him in the eye, speak audibly and clearly, and appear confident. This will make him more likely to take the request seriously.

Examples of Direct Requests

• “Please lower your voice.”
• “Step away from the door.”
• “Put that plate down.”

3. Give Consequences for Behavior

People do not change unless they have a good reason to. If your boyfriend’s behavior is not changing, you need to give him a reason to stop in the form of a consequence.

The purpose of a consequence is not to punish. The purposes are a) to protect yourself and your boundaries, and b) to facilitate effective communication rather than arguing that is pointless at best, abusive at worst.

You must follow through with your consequences for them to be effective.

Examples of Consequence-Giving

• “I’m going in the other room until we’ve both cooled down, and then we can continue this conversation.”
• “If you don’t stop yelling, I’m hanging up the phone.”

4. Ask About Motivations

If your boyfriend has anger issues, you likely have a thousand reasons on deck why he should fix them. Unfortunately, your reasons don’t matter to him.

At the risk of sounding repetitive, people don’t make lasting changes for others. They only make lasting changes when they themselves are motivated to do so.

So instead of trying to convince your partner to change, ask them how they feel about their anger. Do so during a time when you can calmly discuss it, not in the middle of an argument. Use open-ended questions that invite more than a yes-or-no answer. Adopt an attitude of genuine curiosity.

If your partner says they don’t want to change their anger, believe them. Assume the current level of anger will persist for their rest of the relationship with you.

Remember that in abusive relationships, violence tends to escalate over time, not get better.

Examples of Open-Ended Questions

• “What would you change about your anger, if you could?”
• “What bad outcomes have occurred as a result of your anger?”
• “What would your life be like if you felt in control of anger?”